Been a bad night

We went to Wal-Mart tonight and I cried the whole 26 minutes home. I was telling my hubby about Jeremy Camp's new song "There will be a day" and it started playing followed by a song talking about being homesick for heaven, followed by another song that made me think about my unborn child indepth. I guess it's good because it's the first time I've cried since I first started bleeding. Now that I'm back in Bama I can cry and get everything out because it's just me and Remy most of the day and he knows Mama's crazy. ;) Now I'm ready to move one final time and I never want to live in a trailer again. All of my worst memories involve living in a trailer. *sigh* I know eventually I'll be okay again, but right now really sucks!

Ainsley Rose

Hubby and I decided to name our baby Ainsley Rose because we were fairly sure we were having a girl. Now when we have another daughter her name will be Rhianna Ainsley after her two sisters in heaven. I love her and I miss her, but I know she's in heaven and I will see her again one day and I know she'll be beautiful. :)

A bit annoyed

Well, my husband is out drinking with the CEOs and big wigs of his company while I sit here with his parents needing him home. I wanted to talk to him about naming the baby we just lost, I think it may help with the healing to give him/her a name. Not a name we chose before, but one we like that is gender-neutral. *sigh* I don't think he's as upset as I am, but I don't think it's hit him yet. Or perhaps this is his way of dealing with it. We've never gone through anything like this together. 

Needed to mark these

http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html

http://october15th.com/

Pampering myself

I just finished dying my hair auburn like I had planned to do before I got pregnant, I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't now. I'm hoping it turns out good, I don't use a hair dryer so I can't speed up the process. If it looks good I may keep it, I'm tired of my dull brown hair, I want something fun. *sigh* And I'm really looking forward to Disney, I need it now after this. I can't wait to see Remy's little face light up when he sees Cinderella's castle for the first time, I'm hoping to buy a new camera for the trip. Ah, we'll see.

Tired of talking about it already

So far I have talked to my mom, my inlaws, three friends, and one message board about the baby I lost and I still have one more person to talk to - my pastor's wife. I really don't want to talk about it anymore with people other than my husband, but I don't feel like I get that choice. I'm glad I told people because now they're all praying for us, but in a way I wish I wouldn't have. Next time I know to be more discreet, but I never thought this would happen. Last night I thought, "Maybe I shouldn't have asked people not to call", but today I'm hurting so bad, and I know I'd get sick and tired of hearing "Redneck Woman" (my ringtone) real quick because of all the well meaning phone calls. *sigh* Tomorrow's going to suck, too, I have church and choir practice to prepare for the Easter Cantata. I already promised to be there, but really I would almost rather die than hear, "how are you?" or "how's the baby?" I don't know what to tell people, especially after I made it their business, but I was so excited I couldn't hold it in. 

Need more land

I know it's funny writing something like this after my last post, but it's kind of related. I'm sitting here with my family wishing I had someplace to go where I can be alone for awhile without having to drive. I would like a building with a small altar where I can go to pray, play some worship music, and be alone with my thoughts. Even an extra room in the house would be fine, just someplace where I can go to be alone. Tomorrow I'm going to go for a walk if I can, try to clear my thoughts. Well, if I feel up to it. If that doesn't work I'll just sit out back. :sigh: I wish I were home in the country, I'm staying with my inlaws because of the miscarriage and they live in a subdivision.