I'm 25!!

Well, my birthday was a week ago and it was much better than I thought it would be! =) We sold our camper and bought a pop-up camper, hubby bought me a new camera, and we put some money in the bank for Disney - unfortunately the electric bill came and took that.

Anyway, I got the okay to try again, so we're trying to conceive once more, but I have a feeling I may be pregnant, but very early. It could also be wishful thinking, but I don't feel like my period is going to start soon, I've been dreaming about being pregnant, and I feel like I am, but I don't have symptoms - if that makes sense. lol So I'm trying to drink more water, I've been walking, and I'm trying to eat healthier. Eh, we'll see in two weeks. :)

Changed daughter's name

We changed her name to Rose Ainsley so she could be like her brother and the other children we plan to have. 

I am doing much better these days, church Sunday definately helped. I'm actually looking forward to getting pregnant again and have been reading that I don't really need to wait once the bleeding stops and my hormone levels are back to normal - which both have already taken place. So maybe I'll get pregnant when we go to Disney World next month, that'd be pretty funny! Eh, we'll see what God has planned, I just hope this next baby is stickier. ;)

God gives us what we need

Alright, I thought this was funny. Several hours ago I was thinking, "I need some puppy love". Then an hour ago my yellow lab, Buddy, started barking at someone so hubby went outside to see who it was and my black lab, Hazzard, and my Boxerdoodle, Daisy, came barging in. :) They had climbed out of their 6 foot tall kennel (we made sure that's what happened, there weren't any holes at all)! That cheered me up more than I would ever have dreamed and even Remy's happier than he's seemed in days. Hazzard's following him around, giving him kisses, and being very loving towards him. It's so cute!

Today is Good Friday

Well, today is Good Friday, the day almost 2000 years ago when Jesus was crucified for our sins. I feel like I should celebrate, and I almost want to. :) I wish I did want to, but I don't want to celebrate much at the moment. I really could care less that my birthday is coming up in a few weeks, but I didn't care about that two weeks ago either. All I'm going to do is sit at home like any other day waiting for Robert to come home so we can eat dinner, watch movies we've seen dozens of times, and go to bed.

I also know some of my friends are going to ask if I want to talk about Ainsley, I do! But please, give me boundaries, ask questions, otherwise it's pretty awkward. I love her, just like I love Remy, but I don't have proof she ever existed except the pain burning away at my heart and a medical exam sheet. I'm going to make a bracelet to commemorate her with purple, clear, and blue beads for when she was conceived, when she died, and when she was due. I found a pretty angel toggle clasp I'm going to use and silver angel wing beads to seperate each group of three beads - I think it's going to be beautiful, but I would rather have her. 1000 hours of labor couldn't hurt this bad.

Hope it's okay to do this. :) I love this song, but it makes me cry so hard every time I hear it on KLOV. Anyway, hope y'all enjoy the lyrics.

Jeremy Camp Lyrics - There Will Be A Day Song Words
Song Words by Artist / Band : Jeremy Camp
Lyrics Title : There Will Be A Day
Available on Album : Speaking Louder Than Before
Single Released : September 23, 2008
Music Genre : Rock, christian contemporary music

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest with wonders a new
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

Chorus
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Chorus
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I cant wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a lifeof shame and misery
This is why, this is why I sing

Getting healthy

I talked to my doctor's office this morning and all of my levels are down so Ainsley has completely passed so now I'm at the point where I can start getting healthy and be prepared for next time. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, I'm going to start walking every day, and watch what I eat. Today I am enjoying my last soda and I'm going to wean myself down to one glass of sweet tea per day until we can start buying decaf. Then in two months we can try to get pregnant again, as long as we're ready.

Been a bad night

We went to Wal-Mart tonight and I cried the whole 26 minutes home. I was telling my hubby about Jeremy Camp's new song "There will be a day" and it started playing followed by a song talking about being homesick for heaven, followed by another song that made me think about my unborn child indepth. I guess it's good because it's the first time I've cried since I first started bleeding. Now that I'm back in Bama I can cry and get everything out because it's just me and Remy most of the day and he knows Mama's crazy. ;) Now I'm ready to move one final time and I never want to live in a trailer again. All of my worst memories involve living in a trailer. *sigh* I know eventually I'll be okay again, but right now really sucks!

Ainsley Rose

Hubby and I decided to name our baby Ainsley Rose because we were fairly sure we were having a girl. Now when we have another daughter her name will be Rhianna Ainsley after her two sisters in heaven. I love her and I miss her, but I know she's in heaven and I will see her again one day and I know she'll be beautiful. :)

A bit annoyed

Well, my husband is out drinking with the CEOs and big wigs of his company while I sit here with his parents needing him home. I wanted to talk to him about naming the baby we just lost, I think it may help with the healing to give him/her a name. Not a name we chose before, but one we like that is gender-neutral. *sigh* I don't think he's as upset as I am, but I don't think it's hit him yet. Or perhaps this is his way of dealing with it. We've never gone through anything like this together. 

Needed to mark these

http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html

http://october15th.com/

Pampering myself

I just finished dying my hair auburn like I had planned to do before I got pregnant, I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't now. I'm hoping it turns out good, I don't use a hair dryer so I can't speed up the process. If it looks good I may keep it, I'm tired of my dull brown hair, I want something fun. *sigh* And I'm really looking forward to Disney, I need it now after this. I can't wait to see Remy's little face light up when he sees Cinderella's castle for the first time, I'm hoping to buy a new camera for the trip. Ah, we'll see.

Tired of talking about it already

So far I have talked to my mom, my inlaws, three friends, and one message board about the baby I lost and I still have one more person to talk to - my pastor's wife. I really don't want to talk about it anymore with people other than my husband, but I don't feel like I get that choice. I'm glad I told people because now they're all praying for us, but in a way I wish I wouldn't have. Next time I know to be more discreet, but I never thought this would happen. Last night I thought, "Maybe I shouldn't have asked people not to call", but today I'm hurting so bad, and I know I'd get sick and tired of hearing "Redneck Woman" (my ringtone) real quick because of all the well meaning phone calls. *sigh* Tomorrow's going to suck, too, I have church and choir practice to prepare for the Easter Cantata. I already promised to be there, but really I would almost rather die than hear, "how are you?" or "how's the baby?" I don't know what to tell people, especially after I made it their business, but I was so excited I couldn't hold it in. 

Need more land

I know it's funny writing something like this after my last post, but it's kind of related. I'm sitting here with my family wishing I had someplace to go where I can be alone for awhile without having to drive. I would like a building with a small altar where I can go to pray, play some worship music, and be alone with my thoughts. Even an extra room in the house would be fine, just someplace where I can go to be alone. Tomorrow I'm going to go for a walk if I can, try to clear my thoughts. Well, if I feel up to it. If that doesn't work I'll just sit out back. :sigh: I wish I were home in the country, I'm staying with my inlaws because of the miscarriage and they live in a subdivision. 

Chemical Pregnancy

Sorry I was a little vague in the e-mail, if you're here I'm assuming you want more of an explanation. What I had is called a "chemical pregnancy", it means my baby didn't stick. So when we're ready, we're going to try for a sticky baby. :) As I said, I'm okay, but I want time to heal and start to find my new normal. Thank you for your understanding.

Everything is fine

I just found this on Baby Center, "Sometime this week, you may be able to find out whether you're pregnant. For the most accurate results, wait until the end of the week to take a home pregnancy test. (You can try one now if you like, but you're more likely to get a correct result a week past your expected period.)" I'm only five days late, so I'm sure everything is fine. *happy sigh* That test is not sensitive at all, so the fact I got a + at all is a good sign. lol Maybe I am having twins!

Well, now that I'm feeling better perhaps I should go for my evening walk before church so I'm not late. I've missed church two weeks in a row and last week I actually missed choir practice - not good since Resurrection Sunday is next week.

I HATE Family Dollar tests!

I've taken three FD pregnancy tests and 2 were positive, but very faint. The one I took this morning was barely there, so now I'm worried that something's wrong. Of course I did drink a lot of fluids yesterday and these tests say that dilutes your HcG levels, so maybe I need to wonder if they just suck? I asked my friend if she had this happen and she said it did, she miscarried. *sigh* I take comfort in my nausea, aching breasts, and the fact my belly is swelling (my jeans are too tight already), so things must be okay. I'm also praying very hard and I hope He realizes having a child die, even one I've never held, is not something my fragile mind can handle.

Registering

I'm registering for some things I want for this baby that I didn't have/know about with Remy. :) I'm looking forward to breastfeeding this time around and I really want to use cloth diapers. We're hoping to get Buddy penned up soon so we can get 3 goats and 5+ chickens so I can eat more organically. I want to be as healthy as possible this time around. *sigh*

We have names!!

I'm only posting them here so I don't forget. :) lol Soo, if we have a girl she will be Roswyn Abrianna, if we have a boy he will either be Renshaw Angus or Raleigh Angus. We're both hoping for a girl, but will be just as happy if we have a boy. I'm soo excited! I was 8 weeks pregnant when I found out I was having Remy, so knowing at 4 weeks is really special. *happy sigh*

* These are not set in stone, I'm pregnant and can change my mind up to 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times per second! *

I'm pregnant!!

Well, I am pregnant and I'm more excited than I would have thought. I'm thinking this may be hubby's baby girl, but even if it is we're not done (unless this birth tramatizes me like my first). We do have some names we like if we have a boy, but these are names we chose months ago when we talked about trying again. :) So the names are Raleigh Angus or Renshaw Angus (Angus is a family name, we're not naming our child after a cow). We're still discussing girl names, but I felt this one would be a boy, but now I'm not so sure. Ah, we'll see in 16 weeks. :)

I'm late...

Well, today is day 34 of my 32 day cycle, so I think it is safe to officially say I'm late. :sigh: Not that I wouldn't be ecstatic, I would be, but we're supposed to go to Disney World next month and I really don't want to go if I'm pregnant. It wouldn't be an issue if it were just the three of us, but it's not. It's us, my parents, and my brother in-law and we were going to celebrate his, mine, and my son's birthdays (Feb 21, Apr 21, Jun 20). Grr!

Maine?!

Well, I was online last night looking for land in TN and next thing I know I find 200 +/- acres in Maine! It's not something I've ever considered, I mean come on, it's where Stephen King's from. How normal could people there be? So I called my friend from MA and talked to her about it and she said if she loved it there, so now I'm thinking it may be worth looking into.

This whole time I'm thinking, "There's no way my VERY Southern hubby would be remotely interested in moving all they way up there." He surprised me, however when he said he would move anywhere for that much land if he could afford it. Well, it is about $300 more than we were planning to spend, so I'm thinking of finding a few friends who are interested in going in on it together. If it doesn't work out there's always 26 acres beckoning us in TN, but it wasn't much cheaper than the 200 acres. Ah, dilemmas, dilemmas.

I call myself a Back to Basics Mama because I feel I was born about 100 years too late. I'm interested in the lost arts of soap making, spinning, canning, and farming to provide for my family and our community. I am also interested in cloth diapering, but plan to wait and see if I can get pregnant again before making such a large purchase, especially with Remy getting ready to begin potty training.

We are currently looking for owner financed land, but would be ecstatic if we found 20 acres with a "lost" cabin on it where we can live while building our dream cabin (it's 972 square feet). We're hoping to find land in TN or NC, but are looking all over the country to find the right place for our family.